Subject: Calhoun
by kahnor
Summary: Subject: Barney Calhoun
1. Gordon

Introduction

"...So I said to him, thats not Mosman, thats a zombie!" I said.

"that made no sense, you just stated a punchline, not the joke." said Dr. K.

I'm Barney, and I'm a spy. I survived an incident involving aliens, zombies and a damn huge budget. I was one of few survivors of this incident that caused the Apocalypse. Now it is my duty to help lead the world in rebellion against the invading forces. I've heard word of a few occurrences that seem to point to one thing, the return of the one free man.

The return

Day: 1

It's true, Gordon's back! The bad thing is I'm out of tokens and I promised him a beer. He'll forget it probably. Hell after all this that is the least of his worries. I'm a little worried Alyx is attracted to him, because he kind of is 30 years older then her. I mean Gordon's my friend but I don't want him to get in any trouble with Eli.

Well we sent Gordon of with his new suit. I wish I knew how long it would take for him to get back, because the suits been sitting there a while. Dr. Kleiner's head-humper disrupted the damn teleporter, so now Gordon has to travel on foot all the way to Black mesa east. I hope it helps I gave him his crowbar back.

I still wonder what happened to him for these past 30 years...


	2. TF2

Subject: Calhoun

"Soooo… what can I do?" Barney said.

"Well Barney, you can go and rally up a few citizens. Tell them that if they help us, we will give them admin in our steam group." Kleiner said

"…What are you talking about? Steam hasn't existed for 25ish years. The internet is gone!" Barney replied.

Kleiner pointed to the teleporter. "Now Barney, you are going to test it, I am going to attempt to send you to send you to Black mesa east."

"But.." he couldn't finish Kleiner shoved him in to it and started it up.

"oMiGoD!"he yelled. This was the last thing he said before he was gone.

"now it's just you and me my sweet" he said as he grabbed lamaar.

"wh…where am I?" Barney said.

"MMmfF!" a man in a fire retardant suit yelled.

"Oh god! I'M IN TF2!!1!!"


	3. Meet The Pyro

Subject: Calhoun

Location: CTF_2fort

Mission: Capture the enemy intelligence

"Excuse me sir, can you help me?" Barney questioned the man.

"MmmNphH MffFFMMMMM " The man replied.

"Excuse me, what?" Barney Said to the strange man.

"MmmmFFF!!!!" He screamed.

"I can't hear you with that mask on!" Barney yelled at him.

"MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFF MMFFFF MMM MMMMMFFFFF!!!!!" The man screamed at Barney.

"I can't take it!" Barney yelled, then began to tug at the mask.

"AGGGHHHH!!!" the man screamed, as the mask slipped off.

"Oh my GOD!" Barney screamed as he saw the mans face.

The face was singed and burnt. The man had no hair, and had burn marks all over his body.

"Oh thank you kind sir, I've been screaming for help for ages, these idiots just thought I was taunting them!" The man yelled.

"AGGGHHHH IT'S A XENIAN!" Barney screamed, as he pulled out his glock.

"Tell me what you came for!" he screamed.

"Sir I am not this "Xenian" you speak of, I have serious burn marks from the field, I need to get to a hospital! I need something to fix this pain!" The man screamed.

"I have your pain killer right here!" Barney said, then shot the man.

"Might as well take this awesome suit! I mean hes not gonna use it, unless he comes back as a zombie! I should torch the body! Luckily for me theres this flame thrower right here!" He exclamed, then procedded to put on the flame retardent suit, then torch the body. (Safety first!)

Barney looked around and saw a man in blue come around a corner. The man was tall and had an extremely large minigun, and a deli Sanvich in the other. "Halt red scum!" the man Yelled.

"Crap"


	4. The Return

Subject: Barney Calhoun

Location: Ctf_2fort

Time: 2:35 Western Greenwich time

"MMMfffMffff MmffMf" Barney said to the man.

"I do not understand you puny man, but I like your mask. If you give me the mask, I will let you go." The large man said.

Barney tried to say "Sure" but all that came out was a muffled noise, and the man took it as a threat.

"Okay, You have pushed me, Prepare to meet Natasha!" The man said as his gun began to spin. Barney ran in to the safety of the red base near him. He heard the man trailing behind him.

"I WILL GET YOU, PUNY-" *Bang*

Barney thought in his head, "What was that?" then he looked back. The Man with the Chain gun had a Bullet-hole through his head, and was lying in a puddle of blood. Barney wondered where and who the shot came from, then he saw who. "Wave G-bye to yer head Wanker" Said the man with the rifle.

"Thanks!" Barney said after taking off the mask. Then the man gave him an odd look, and Barney saw him pull the gun up, and look in to the site. This time Barney was looking down the barrel.

At that moment the man shot, and Barney was gone.

Location: Eli's Lab

The teleporter had brought him back to Doctor Kleiner's lab, and the doc was in the other room. Barney walked in and had a large argument over the problems that occurred. They came to a conclusion.

"You are going there the long way." Said Eli.

"But…" Barney Started

"No buts, go and get in our emergency jeep."

"Do I at least get a weapon?"

"Yes you get a Pistol"

"Damnit!"


End file.
